In October/November of 2014 I found myself singing this song over and over. Meditating on the words. "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."
I believe this was a peek into where God was planning to take me next. To this place, this space in Him where my trust is unquestioned. A space where I go because I trust Him without borders. I move in His strength where ever He leads.
Oh, by the way, typing that was super easy, living it, not so much.
In January 2015 we officially moved away from the St. Louis area and into turbulent transition. I didn't realize it at first. I was lulled by the chaos of the move. The details of organizing. Setting up life for our family.
Slowly, slowly I began to see that this was going to be a season of learning to trust God in a whole new way. Might I add that strengthening the trust muscle has been one of the most rewarding and excruciating exercises of my life.
The first step for me was closely examining truths about life, my life that I believed were unchanging, true, and trustworthy. Where was I placing my trust and why? We are, of course, free to put our trust in whatever and whomever we choose. Placing trust in earthly objects, persons, or situations is inevitably going to fail us at some point. Even though I knew this I had done what many people do. I fell prey to the world's truths and began trusting people, things, and circumstances above the word God have given me. (Tough to type that. Very tough.)
Our God is a jealous and loving God. I am thankful that He wants me and pursued me with crazy intensity last year. Please don't mistake these words to mean He courted me with roses. No, my eyes had to be opened in a real way.
In 2015 I saw the end of friendships, sickness run rampant in my family, the failure of my career pursuits, multiple blows to the foundation of my marriage, and an identity crisis.
Watching all these things tumble before me was painful and humbling, but the truth was that I had put an unhealthy amount of trust in friendships, career ambitions, my marriage, and an identity that I created for myself.
You may look at this list and think I'm being dramatic. That's cool. Everyone has to come to the place of discovering that trusting God above all else is the only way. God is the only one who will never fail. He never breaks a promise, never breaks your heart, never leaves you out to dry, never betrays you. Your trust is safe in Him.
Friends fail. Careers fail. Marriages fail. Self constructed identity fails. It's a fact. If you haven't experienced any of this, live a little longer.
The tough stuff. The real stuff. The worth it stuff. The God stuff.
I probably cry or scream at least once a week about something. (The pregnancy hormones don't help. LOL) I'm ok admitting this. It's my healthy way of releasing the hurt, confusion, frustration.
In 2015 I saw the deconstruction of a lot, but I also saw the reconstruction of my trust in Christ. I saw just how much He loves me. How much He cares about the inner recesses of my heart. I saw how He lovingly prepared me to witness each tough bit. He held me. He put some people in my life to help me deal. He bathed me in the Word. He gave me a thirsting for His knowledge.
2016 has been all about healing and rebuilding. Do I experience fear as I walk out onto the waters? Of course I do. So many days I just want to stop. Then, I am reminded that this thing called life, the purpose God has given me is about more than me. It is about more than the tears I cry this week. God is doing a beautiful thing for His people. I want to share in this. In order to do this I must have my eyes, my mind, my heart, my life focused on Him. I must trust Him without borders. He must know that where He leads I'll follow. He needs to know I won't dip out every time I get a little thorn in my foot.
Revelation: Once the walls of false truth have been completely knocked down the rebuilding can begin. As the master builder prepares He must examine the foundation. Maybe some parts of the foundation have been cracked. Other parts of the foundation might have been improperly laid. God's got the tools to make it right. So, that's where I am. The rebuilding stages. Cracks are being filled. Old foundation is being ripped out, and new foundation is being put in place.
"But after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who calls you to share his eternal glory in union with Christ, will himself perfect you and give you firmness, strength, and a sure foundation. To him the power for ever. Amen!
I Peter 5:10-11 GNB
Still striving, friends. Still striving!